(Warning: this post is a bit personal, so if you’re not interested in knowing some of my immaturity, please stop reading!)
Conversation heard at my home last night:
Me: “I printed off a good article from Focus on the Family if you’re interested in reading it.” (Reads title of article)
Husband: “Well, that’s kind of a weird title. In fact, that doesn’t make much sense. What’s it really about?”
Me: “Fine! If you don’t want to read it, then don’t.”
Husband: “That’s not what I said. I was just commenting on the title.”
Me: (putting papers away) “Well, that was your attitude!”
Husband: “That wasn’t it at all.”
Me: (huff)
End of conversation
Now, that’s a stellar piece of interpersonal communication–NOT!
Verbal communication is not my strongest suit. Truthfully, many of the struggles in our marriage have been because of that weakness of mine. The thing is, it’s not like it’s an inbred personality trait that can’t be changed. Good communication CAN be learned. So that begs the question, “Why haven’t I learned it?!” It’s not that I haven’t read books, gone to marriage conferences, etc. It’s not that my husband and I haven’t had communication about communication! So why, then.
I think, in part, the answer lies in pure laziness. It is just easier to return to paths that are familiar. It’s easier to respond emotionally instead of thinking things through. It’s easier to blame rather than owning my own inconsistencies and immaturity. It’s easier to let my husband be the one to force me to talk about what’s going on in my head than to be the one to initiate the conversation.
One of the things I told myself at the beginning of this year was that THIS year would be the year that I took big steps to change some of these things. Looks like I’m doing great so far, huh? Again…NOT!
We are one of those couples that just don’t fit the mold of “normal.” My husband is the one who communicates well, sharing with me most of what he thinks and feels. Me, not so much. So opposite of most male/female communication norms. I am so very grateful that I married someone who is different from me in this area. Can you imagine how difficult our relationship would be if NEITHER of us was good at communicating?! I am thankful that God knew what he was doing when he put us together. I am also thankful that God has unlimited patience with me. (My husband, dear soul that he is, tries very hard to be patient with me.) I’m glad that God considers our whole lifetime to be a learning process, a work in progress. I never want to consider myself to have “arrived.” But, it would be nice to be able to say I’ve at least made progress!
So, a glimpse into my very flawed self. I’m hoping that by the end of this year I’ll be able to do a post on the ways that I’ve improved my communication skills!
This post made me smile. You know those pictures of couples dancing and talking. They look so happy. They're actually saying things like "Could we please do another step..I'm tired of being pushed around backwards" or 1-2-3, 1-2-3, can't you hear that beat?" Or, "This is a fox-trot, not a waltz." Tom didn't say this, Gracia did.
I can't tell you how relieving it is when people show the non-glamorous sides of their marriage. Following blogs, I have seen so many what appear to be perfect marriages and it is so discouraging to me. My hubs and I are very opposite of you and your hubs. I'm the communicator. Hubs is not. Thanks for being real. Makes me feel more human. 🙂
man that conversation sounds so much like me (being you) vs. my mom. I too have been working on being a better daughter in this area, but it's so easy to slide back into the old paths!
Ah, I remember conversations like that! It IS easier to revert to old behavior, I know this to be true. The man I'm dating is very quiet, introverted, doesn't say anything unnecessary nor does he share the details of his day to day where I, on the other hand, am the chattiest "cathy" you'll meet! His son says that's why we work…but at times it's exasperating! You just hang in there. Sounds to me like you and your husband have a great thing going, God bless the both of you.
In our marriage we've switched rolls. At the beginning of our marriage my husband was the great communicator, and I wasn't. Now it's the reverse. I'm more talky and he's more brooding. It's definitely a dance – and as long as you keep trying – that's all a marriage is suppose to be about. Continued work, trying harder, changing roles, going back and forth. Trying different ways to communicate – you're doing a wonderful job!
it is the opposite for us… I am the communicator! But I understand that you are struggling with the struggle you have.. and THAT I can relate too a lot!
My mantra lately
HIS MERCIES ARE NEW EVERY MORNING…
(sigh) there is always something to work on…sometimes I wish it was all just smooth sailing!
Thank you for your post on this. It's so nice to hear other military (Christian) wives talk about things like communication and praise God at the same time. 🙂
THis is cute! I am the communication person! A little to much actually — I have to learn to not push the red button just because I know that Beloved is so even tempered! 😉
Oh, you are not alone. I'm terrible at thinking before I speak when I'm upset about something, and I read between the lines when my husband says something to me. Most of the time, I misread between the lines. I'm glad you posted this!
I loved this post; the first part reminded me of how I get with mr. darcy sometimes. thanks for linking up to the best of 2011 link up and thanks for displaying the link up button! God bless you and your home and your blogging in 2012~ Katie